


How can you miss someone you've never met

by Zi_ra



Series: I didn't mean to forget you [1]
Category: BBC Merlin, Merlin/Arthur - Fandom, Merlin/Arthur Pendragon - Fandom, Merthur - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Arguments, Arthurs back, Confessions of love, Fluff, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magic, Making Up, Modern Era, Pain, Resurrection, Sad, beginning of relationship, merlin's sad, post end of season 5, there's a cat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-02-22 23:40:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23802292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zi_ra/pseuds/Zi_ra
Relationships: Arthur Pendragon - Relationship, Merlin - Relationship, Merlin/Arthur, Merthur
Series: I didn't mean to forget you [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1719556
Comments: 1
Kudos: 34





	1. Chapter 1

Merlin was no longer sure how long he’d been alive. After a while, days blend together, as they do during summer, the months blend into years and the decades blend into centuries. He knows that he’s lived an extremely long time, he’s sure of that. He’s loved and lost so many times he’s not even sure why he keeps trying. But it’s like there’s something missing, a part of him he can’t remember, or doesn’t want to. It’s like he’s blocked out a major part of his life for seemingly no reason but there's a sense of longing that’s been building for centuries and he can’t seem to shake it. Tons of failed relationships because he’s in love with someone he can’t be sure ever existed. 

The only constant in Merlin’s life has been the legend King Arthur.   
He’s heard the legend thousands of times, dressed up as the wizard ‘Merlin’ on many occasions and read every book he could find on the topic. It’s nothing more than a story, a myth. He knows that but he can’t help but feel drawn to it, there is something homely in the countless retellings, something comforting and familiar about these fictional characters. Merlin’s heart flutters and flips whenever King Arthur appears in these books but he can’t quite place why. The man isn’t even real. It provides him comfort and solace in an otherwise isolated world.   
Earlier that day Merlin had popped out to the bookstore on the corner and picked up a new critical analysis of the legend, he hadn’t really looked at - just saw Arthurian legend and picked it up, he liked the surprise.   
He was currently settled on the sofa, Artie the cat in his lap and the book on the arm patiently waiting to be explored. The book was interesting, it was exploring homosexual themes between Merlin, the wizard and King Arthur. The pulling in Merlin’s grew with every page. Merlin put it down to romantic loneliness and went to put the book on the shelf next to his favourite retelling of the myths.   
A quote from the book was replaying in his head, over and over like a broken record. 

“Merlin was Arthur's most loyal servant and greatest friend, the two shared the strongest bond two people can have -they were soulmates, two sides of the same coin. Arthur will one day return and Merlin will be waiting for him, as he promised all those years ago” 

A face that Merlin couldn’t make out flashed through his mind and his heart throbbed.   
How can you miss someone you’ve never met and is not actually real? Merlin thought. That’s when his eye caught a leather journal that he can’t ever remember buying but looked very old. He tentatively withdrew it from the shelf and made his way back to the sofa. There was an engraving on the front   
“I will wait for you, I promise”   
Weird. It was his handwriting.  
He opened the first page and was met with a very familiar face. The familiar face of a man he’s never seen in his life. The longing in his chest further grew stronger and his tired brown eyes adopted a sort of goldish tinge to them. The drawing was of a young man, he had fair hair and piercing blue eyes and was adorning a lopsided, adoring grin. He was dressed in chainmail and wore a crown atop his head.   
Merlin’s eyes grew misty as he tenderly touched the face on the page. He felt lost but at home at the same time. He felt heartbreak and joy, grief and love - it was confusing and unusual, he had learnt to suppress his emotions a good 100 years ago (it saves the continuous heartbreak). He continued flipping through, with each page the faces grew vaguer and vaguer with the last in the book being just a pair of lips.   
Bit of a weird thing to remember about someone he remarked. He had to admit, they were very nice lips.   
There was a note in the back, he pulled the piece of paper from the pocket and unfolded it. 

My Arthur, 

I miss you. I miss you more than you could ever comprehend. It's been 600 years since you died and I’m still waiting - I said I would, didn’t I? I said I’d be your servant until the day I die. I’m not dead yet… I don’t think I can die… at least I’ll be around when you come back. If. I love you, I always did and yet you never knew. I liked to believe you loved me too but everyone could see that you loved Gwen. You always loved her. She was good for you in a way I never could have been.   
I don’t really know what else to say, or the point of this since you’ll never see it but just know that I’ll never forget you. Ever. My love, I will remember you always. 

Forever yours, Merlin. 

Merlin's eyes flashed gold and the book flew from his hands. Artie yelped and scrambled away, Merlin just sat there frozen. His eyes returned to their normal brown and Merlin didn’t move.   
“I forgot” He whispered into the silence.   
“I forgot you when I promised I wouldn’t” tears cascaded down his cheeks.   
“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry Arthur. I remember” nobody responded, he’d hoped for a moment that him remembering would bring him back. Wishful thinking.   
Merlin wiped the tears from his eyes and gathered the book from the floor, placing it back on the shelf.   
The doorbell rang


	2. I saw everything

The doorbell rang, and it rang again, and again, and again a desperate plea. Merlins head shot up from the bookcase. What the fuck. He’d not had anybody over in god knows how many years, nobody even knows where he lives and even if they did the protection spell would stop them noticing the door even existed. Unless..? No, it couldn’t be, stop hoping Merlin you’re just gonna get hurt.

“Hello?” the voice muffled by the door and the protection spell was as clear as day in Merlin's head.  
Arthur.  
Merlin rushed over and unlatched the door, pausing for a moment to calm the burning in his chest, before opening it. 

It was him, it was it actually was. Arthur, his Arthur - stood there looking exactly like he had beside the lake but this time he was alive. Actually alive.  
“Merlin” Arthur breathed a sigh of relief, the was an unmistakable fondness in his eyes, Merlin ignored it.  
“Come in”  
Merlin stepped aside and watched, confounded, as Arthur stepped cautiously into his flat taking in all his surroundings.  
Merlin's apartment was a mess, even back in Camelot his rooms had been a tip. He never really had time to clean it, he was always cleaning for somebody else. For Arthur. There were socks strewn randomly all over the floor, an assortment of bowls and glasses cluttered the worktop, books and papers stacked high on the coffee table, the floor, the sofa, literally anywhere with a flat surface.  
Merlin darted his eyes down, he really needs to sort his living habits out. He never really thought he’d ever have to share a house with someone again.

That was a thing, where was Arthur going to stay. Here? Well, he didn’t know anyone else and he had no money so he literally couldn’t go anywhere.  
“Are you going to be staying here?” Merlin cringed at the silence that followed.  
“Not in this mess I’m not” Arthur joked and Merlin chuckled, then his face softened and he said softer this time  
“I don’t have anywhere else to go, I didn’t even know who I was looking for I just came straight here”  
“You’re staying here, I’ll go and set up a spare bed”  
“Thank you Merlin” Merlin’s heart twinged at once again hearing the last words Arthur had spoken to him before he died, he pushed down the urge to just grab Arthur and never let go and left the room in search of bedsheets.

As Merlin grabbed a spare set of red sheets out the cupboard, he thought they might provide some comfort, he tried to reorder his thoughts. Arthurs back. How much does he remember? Does Arthur know that he’d failed to save him when that was his only fucking purpose in life? Would Arthur even want to be near him after everything that happened? Merlin’s thoughts were cut short as Arthur gasped from the doorway. How long had he been there?  
“Arthur, what’s wrong?” Arthur’s breath had become shallow and Merlin could practically hear the shouting in his head, clashes of metal, screams of pain and the roar of fire.  
“N-nothing! Everything’s fine” Arthur tried to fake a smile before turning and swiftly disappearing back down the corridor. Merlin dropped the sheets and followed him.

“Arthur everything’s not fine, what’s wrong?”  
The fear in Arthur’s eyes was enough to make Merlin want to gather him up and hold him till the pain subsided, but he couldn’t do that. Could he? He really didn’t know what was right or wrong anymore. Arthur didn’t respond so Merlin stepped over the cat - Artie omg really Merlin you named a cat after the King you couldn’t remember - and sat down on the sofa next to Arthur. When Arthur didn’t respond, move or make any kind of recognition that Merlin was there Merlin placed a hand on his shoulder. Arthur flinched. He recoiled. Merlin retracted his hand and watched Arthur closely, he was in the room but he wasn’t; his mind was somewhere far far away. Merlin knew something was off. Flashback maybe?  
“Arthur.. Arthur!” nothing.  
“Arthur it’s me, it’s Merlin! It’s not real, you’re having a flashback. You need to breathe, slowly. That’s it. You’re okay, you’re alright. It’s just me sire.”  
Well fuck. Sire, really?  
Arthurs breathing slowly returned to normal and his eyes cleared of their mistiness, he lifted his head and looked at Merlin. He looked broken, the look in his eyes was something completely different to before. There were wrinkles where there hadn’t been before, he looked tired and he looked completely and utterly broken.  
“The red” 

Merlin was confused for a moment. Then it clicked. Fuck! The red of course. Of course, that had sent him into a flashback. Merlin just brought out the strongest remembrance he has of all those years of fighting, of pain, of death. Red for Camelot. Red for the blood of the knights on that battlefield. Red for the blood of the cape Merlin had wrapped Arthurs cold dead body in. Red.

Before he could even begin to apologise Arthur moved his position and laid his head on Merlin’s shoulder. His breath slowed. He was asleep. The bloody once and the future king had fallen asleep on his shoulder, after a flashback he had caused. What in the actual fuck was this day? Merlin sat as still as he could, refusing to wake Arthur up. He had so many questions but they could wait. After a while Merlin slid out from under Arthur and covered him with a yellow throw that had been slung over the back of the sofa and began tidying the flat.  
He changed the red bedsheets for white ones. He put all the books about Arthur into boxes under his bed and he scrubbed every corner of the apartment. 

He stayed awake all night cleaning, he didn’t sleep often anyway so it wasn’t really a massive change. Although he was consistently aware of the presence of the sleeping King on his sofa. 

Arthur woke up at 10 the next morning and Merlin quickly gave him a mug of tea and a bacon sarnie. Arthur stared at it in confusion.  
“It’s food, you eat it,” Merlin said, rolling his eyes. Arthur shot him a quick glare before picking up the sandwich and nibbling the corner. Merlin, satisfied that Arthur was eating something, turned back to the kitchen to set out breakfast for Artie.  
“Merlin?” “Merlin!” 

Merlin rushed through to the living room, terrified that Arthur was dying again, or that he’d found the note, or that he was leaving. Calm, breathe. What he found was heartbreaking. The King of Camelot curled in a ball on the sofa, wrapped in a blanket, tearstained.  
“What happened! Are you okay?” Merlin asked, rushing over.  
“You left, you were gone and..”  
“And what Arthur?”  
“I saw everything” Arthur looked at Merlin.  
“I saw everything Merlin, every day that you waited for me I saw” Merlin couldn’t do this, not now, not with him.  
He stood up as if to leave “So you saw that I forgot you existed”  
“Yeah”  
“I can’t do this Arthur, I can’t have this conversation with you”  
“Why not?”  
“Because I broke my promise, Arthur! Because I let you down! I let you die”

Merlin stormed out the room heading for the kitchen. He shouldn’t be angry at Arthur, he knows that. It’s not Arthur's fault, never was. He was angry at himself but he just always locked it away before and pretended he wasn’t. If Arthur was never coming back then what was the point of dealing with the guilt and the grief and the loss because it would never be resolved and it’s not like he could talk to anyone about it. He was alone so he shouldn’t have to feel it. So he didn’t, he stopped his emotions. Didn’t feel anything for 200 years but when he read that note and remembered Arthur, his emotions came flooding back and he didn’t know how to deal with it.  
“Merlin, please we need to talk”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm currently working on chapter 3 which should be out later today. Bless quarantine for giving me nothing to do


	3. We'll be alright

“What Arthur? What is there to talk about? You saw everything, so you know. You know I forgot about you, you know that I left Camelot straight after the funeral because I couldn’t bear to walk the halls of the castle without you, you know that I stopped feeling anything at all because it hurt too much to miss you. So knowing all that, what could you possibly want to talk about?”

Arthur stood in silence for what seemed like forever, sad eyes trailing Merlin’s face. Merlin was very seriously considering running to his bedroom and hiding in embarrassment but then Arthur spoke. 

“I’m sorry for the pain I caused you Merlin”   
The sheer genuinity in the words caused Merlin to choke on his breath. It wasn’t Arthur’s fault, he knows that doesn’t he? How could it be Arthur’s fault? It was Merlin’s fault and his alone for not saving him, being too weak, too blinded by his loyalty to magic to do what needed to be done before Camlan.

“Arthur it wasn’t your fault. Any of it. I failed you, I was too…” Merlin trailed off unable to finish his sentence, he opted for walking to the dining room instead, leaning against the wall. Arthur followed but took a seat at the table. They ended up opposite ends of the room.   
“You didn’t fail Merlin. I had to die, I know that now. It was my destiny, so I could come back now-”   
“Bu-”  
“No Merlin listen-”  
“No bu-”  
“FOR PETE'S SAKE MERLIN LISTEN TO ME FOR ONCE”   
Silence.  
Artie strolled through the kitchen, ignorant to the situation, and rubbed himself up against Arthur’s leg.

“His name is Artie; like short for Arthur. I guess even when I forgot you, you were on my mind”   
Arthur’s face softened and he reached down to stroke the cat.

“I’m sorry Merlin, I didn’t mean to yell. Please forgive me” Merlin refused to move his eyes from the speck of dirt on the floor - he really should’ve hoovered - but he could feel Arthur’s eyes on him.   
“Always” he whispered. “Always you prat. Of course I forgive you. I just wish that we’d had more time, after you found out. I wanted to prove to you that magic wasn’t bad, that I wasn’t bad. I wanted to show you so much, I had so much to tell you and I never got the chance” 

Arthur closed his eyes and bowed his head. More silence. Then it was like something clicked and he slammed his hand on the table. Merlin jumped. 

“I was wrong. About everything. I thought I was right, that I knew everything. I let so many people steer me wrong. My father, uncle, Morgana. I let people feed my beliefs and I never listened to you. The one person I could fully trust and I ignored you for years… and you let me” Arthur sighed. 

“It kept me safe. If you believed I hated magic then you wouldn’t have ever suspected me and I could stay by your side where I needed to be”   
“Father, Uncle… how many died because of the beliefs they pushed on me…”  
Arthur had a sudden moment of realisation.  
“Freya”  
Merlin felt his chest grow tight and a sob escape his lips. Freya. The only person he had ever truly loved aside from Arthur. She was perfect and kind and sweet and she had understood him, everything he’d ever wanted.   
“Freya”   
“You loved her didn’t you?”  
“Yeah” but I loved you too Arthur, more than words can say.   
“I’m sorry Merlin”  
Silence.   
The silence was a lot longer this time. Merlin sobbed, the air knocked from his chest, pain flooding his veins. The air filled only with Merlin’s shaky breaths until Arthur whispered.  
“I made the same mistake over and over and over”   
“It’s okay, you didn’t know any different” Merlin crossed the dining room and took a seat closer to Arthur.   
“It wasn’t your fault sire-”  
“Don’t call me that”   
“Sorry”   
Arthur looked at Merlin, pain masking his beautiful blue eyes. Merlin, looking back at him, got a sudden rush of courage.   
“I loved you Arthur” 

Arthur dropped his head again, breaking the eye contact. Merlin swore he saw a tear fall through his eyelashes and hit the table.   
“I was kind of relieved when you forgot me, I thought it would ease the pain but it didn’t. You just loved a man you couldn’t remember. I’m not that man anymore Merlin, neither of us are the same.” Merlin nodded, understanding the rejection perfectly. He stood up to leave, crossing the room. Just before he reached the door Arthur called out   
“I loved you too Merlin” 

Merlin carried on walking, reached his bedroom, shut the door and broke down. He didn’t care if Arthur could hear him. Those words. The words he wanted to hear for centuries but in the past tense. Loved. Loved. Not love, loved. The fact that he could’ve had him stung more than the rejection and he wailed and screamed and threw things at the wall. His eyes flashing gold. The lights flickered wildly and papers flung themselves from shelves.   
“Merlin..Merlin..Merlin!” Arthur’s desperate calls were swallowed by the noise from the bedroom. He flung the door open and without even considering what he was doing crossed the room and gathered Merlin in his arms.   
“I’m here, Merlin I’m right here” Merlin went limp in Arthur’s arms, the lights calmed and the papers floated gently to the ground.   
“Merlin I’m sorry. Don’t say anything please, just listen. I messed up, all those years ago. I couldn’t see what was right in front of me and I’ll never forgive myself for that. Everything you did was for me and I never appreciated you. Merlin you watched so many people you loved die at the hands of me and my Father”   
“You died” Merlin retorted croakley, wrapping his arms around Arthur’s neck, tucking his head into his chest. Arthur responded instinctively, tightening his hold on Merlin’s waist. 

“I did, but I’m here now and I’m okay. I’m fine” Arthur whispered into Merlin’s hair. 

“You knew you were dying, that’s not okay. You spent two days knowing you were going to die and there was nothing that could be done. Then you spent centuries stuck, somewhere, watching me suffer.” Merlin felt Arthur stiffen in his arms. 

“You don’t have to pretend to be okay anymore Arthur, it’s just you and me. You’re safe now” 

Arthur broke. He sobbed into Merlin's hair, holding him as close as he physically could. That’s how they stayed for a few hours, crumpled in a ball on the floor of Merlin’s bedroom, holding each other and crying. Centuries of hurt and pain let go of in that tiny, dim, bedroom.   
After a while Merlin looked up, sniffed and placed his hand tenderly on Arthurs cheek. 

“I still love you Arthur. Always have, even when I couldn’t remember you I loved you and if you still love me too we’ll be alright”   
“I do”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading lads <3   
> I might make this universe like a series but I promise if I do it'll be happier than this 😂


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